I got dumped
And left
And abandoned
So many times
By these who said they loved me
You speak of love as well
Am I supposed to believe this time?
I got told
That I’m beautiful
And worth being loved
So many times
By these who said they loved me
You say I’m beautiful as well
Am I supposed to believe this time?
Am I supposed to believe
That you are that special
That you know what you say
And still mean it after one thousand years?
Am I supposed to believe that?
© AngelikaJahn 2013
photo:google
It is a conscious decision to believe he did not want to hurt me when he nevertheless did
It is a conscious decision to talk to him when I don’t feel like it
It is a conscious decision to not turn away
It is a conscious effort to reach out even when my arms feel like lead
It is a conscious decision
To believe in Him and our past
And to remember
That there was always a hand when I reached out
That there was always an ear when I talked
To believe in all that more
Than to believe in my present emotions
is a fight
It is a conscious decision to forgive
every wrong word
Love is not a walk in the park
© AngelikaJahn 2013
pic: google
I walked the city at night, with a man by my side.
The lights, the warmth of the summers night, creating a romantic feeling on it’s own.
Little bars, cafés, people talking and laughing, the city alive with tourists and loving couples.
And I considered taking his hand, holding his hand.
It felt so normal, and I wanted to love.
As we walked side by side, his hand was only a thought away.
A thought of eternity.
But our hands were parted from each other for more than a year.
We were divorced.
And I had to fight the tears.
The tears because I did not love him anymore.
The tears because I had no hand to hold.
There was no going back.
Fourteen years earlier.
They stood by the sea, gathered at the shore of the ocean, to get married.
With the hopes for a life time.
Which turned to dust.
I will never completely get over the fact that we once did love each other.
Second try.
He stood there by the ocean, looking out over the sea.
Proud, strong, like a conqueror.
And he just had conquered.
Me.
My heart.
Roughly a day ago, he had picked me up from the train station.
First meeting in life, while in cyber weeks ago.
And now he stood there, looking at the ocean, and I was sitting a few steps away, looking up to him.
Looking at him, thinking “so this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with”.
I DID think that.
As if that was a fact that was decided by other forces and wills than mine.
Observing him as if to decide how happy I was with my fate.
Someone was not, because he dumped me.
Maybe a conqueror does not stay, not for too long.
My second ‘happily ever after’ that failed.
I will never completely get over the fact that we once did love each other.
And now again.
There is a heart.
He is no conqueror.
And he does not look out over the ocean.
He looks into my eyes.
And again I enter forever.
© AngelikaJahn 2013
images:google
He is angry at you
the demon says
but I am not
he says
He does not love us
the demons says
what is wrong with you
he says
I am not angry at you, this is wrong
he sadly says
but there is pain, and there must be a reason
the demon replied
there is pain
so there must be
a reason
HE is lying
the demon says
there is pain
and this is the reason
© AngelikaJahn 2013
image:google
“These things do not happen” the look on her face said clearly.
“Decent, normal, respectable, ordinary, NORMAL” people don’t have that. EVER.
Her face did say.
Her eyes did say.
Her mouth was quiet.
Awkwardly quiet.
What to say.
To an old friend.
To an ex-friend.
I never again saw her.
I was tainted, dirty, maybe contageous.
NORMAL, good people don’t get a depression and forget how to leave their room.
Only sick, dirty people.
And these we don’t know.
And never knew.
We don’t even see.
The pain.
© AngelikaJahn 2013
image:google
I am lying on my bed
staring at the ceiling
no feelings
dead inside
I know I ought to go out
buy food
and so I get dressed
leave my bedroom
take my jacket, my purse, go to the front door
the door that shields me from the outside world
I stand before it
looking at it
and there is a wall
an invisible wall
I can’t go through it
I stand there, but can’t open the door
I just can’t
so I turn around
and go back to my room
take off my clothes
and lie back down again
in my bed, my shelter
eventually I will get so hungry that I NEED to go out
and then I will do so
but right now my hunger is too small, too weak,
to get me through that wall
so I wait
That was 16 years ago
if you haven’t been there, you might not ever understand
©AngelikaJahn 2013
image:google
…because I have been there…
I was ethereal, not solid
The dagger passed right through me
But it got stuck in your heart
I did almost not notice
It was a second of a second
But it did hurt your heart
You gave it back and I wonder
Why do these things happen
And why there’s now rain in my heart
.
© AngelikaJahn 2012
I have a heart
I have a mind
I have a body
I have a soul
I have tears
I have scars
I have memories
I have a defense system
I have walls
I have hopes
I have dreams
I have words
I have songs
I have forgiveness
These are not always connected
With each other
With me
With you
With your wishes
With your hopes
With your dreams
With your love
They are not always compatible
With your tears
With your scars
With your memories
I have love
I have memories
I have scars
I have a heart
.
© AngelikaJahn 2012
does it matter
does anyone see
does it touch the ground
or is it blown away by the storm
how much an impact
how much a change
when the petals of the roses
are closed
anyway
but double darkness
is of course darker
than rain at daylight
when it hits so much stronger
so much more unexpected
and the rose is open
expecting light
© AngelikaJahn 2012
Past and future woven into one 