Am I supposed to believe

I got dumped

And left

And abandoned

So many times

By these who said they loved me

You speak of love as well

Am I supposed to believe this time?

 

I got told

That I’m beautiful

And worth being loved

So many times

By these who said they loved me

You say I’m beautiful as well

Am I supposed to believe this time?

 

Am I supposed to believe

That you are that special

That you know what you say

And still mean it after one thousand years?

Am I supposed to believe that?

 

© AngelikaJahn 2013

photo:google

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A conscious decision

It is a conscious decision to believe he did not want to hurt me when he nevertheless did

It is a conscious decision to talk to him when I don’t feel like it

It is a conscious decision to not turn away

It is a conscious effort to reach out even when my arms feel like lead

It is a conscious decision

To believe in Him and our past

And to remember

That there was always a hand when I reached out

That there was always an ear when I talked

To believe in all that more

Than to believe in my present emotions

is a fight

It is a conscious decision to forgive

every wrong word

Love is not a walk in the park

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© AngelikaJahn 2013

pic: google

Posted in All Poems, Love | Tagged | Leave a comment

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

I walked the city at night, with a man by my side.
The lights, the warmth of the summers night, creating a romantic feeling on it’s own.
Little bars, cafés, people talking and laughing, the city alive with tourists and loving couples.
And I considered taking his hand, holding his hand.
It felt so normal, and I wanted to love.
As we walked side by side, his hand was only a thought away.
A thought of eternity.
But our hands were parted from each other for more than a year.
We were divorced.

And I had to fight the tears.
The tears because I did not love him anymore.
The tears because I had no hand to hold.
There was no going back.

Fourteen years earlier.
They stood by the sea, gathered at the shore of the ocean, to get married.
With the hopes for a life time.
Which turned to dust.

I will never completely get over the fact that we once did love each other.

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Second try.

He stood there by the ocean, looking out over the sea.
Proud, strong, like a conqueror.
And he just had conquered.
Me.
My heart.

Roughly a day ago, he had picked me up from the train station.
First meeting in life, while in cyber weeks ago.
And now he stood there, looking at the ocean, and I was sitting a few steps away, looking up to him.
Looking at him, thinking “so this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with”.
I DID think that.
As if that was a fact that was decided by other forces and wills than mine.
Observing him as if to decide how happy I was with my fate.

Someone was not, because he dumped me.
Maybe a conqueror does not stay, not for too long.

My second ‘happily ever after’ that failed.

I will never completely get over the fact that we once did love each other.

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And now again.
There is a heart.

He is no conqueror.
And he does not look out over the ocean.
He looks into my eyes.

And again I enter forever.

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 © AngelikaJahn 2013

images:google

Posted in All Poems, Goodbye, Hope, Love, Sadness | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mental Health Awareness Week – there is no love in Darkness

He is angry at you
the demon says

but I am not
he says

He does not love us
the demons says

what is wrong with you
he says

I am not angry at you, this is wrong
he sadly says

but there is pain, and there must be a reason
the demon replied

there is pain
so there must be
a reason

HE is lying
the demon says

there is pain
and this is the reason


© AngelikaJahn 2013

image:google


 

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Mental Health Awareness Week – shame

“These things do not happen” the look on her face said clearly.

“Decent, normal, respectable, ordinary, NORMAL” people don’t have that. EVER.
Her face did say.
Her eyes did say.

Her mouth was quiet.
Awkwardly quiet.

What to say.

To an old friend.
To an ex-friend.

I never again saw her.

I was tainted, dirty, maybe contageous.

NORMAL, good people don’t get a depression and forget how to leave their room.

Only sick, dirty people.

And these we don’t know.

And never knew.

We don’t even see.

The pain.


© AngelikaJahn 2013

image:google

 

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Mental Health Awareness Week – depression

sitting-in-darkness

I am lying on my bed
staring at the ceiling
no feelings
dead inside

I know I ought to go out
buy food
and so I get dressed

leave my bedroom
take my jacket, my purse, go to the front door
the door that shields me from the outside world

I stand before it
looking at it

and there is a wall
an invisible wall
I can’t go through it
I stand there, but can’t open the door
I just can’t

so I turn around
and go back to my room
take off my clothes
and lie back down again
in my bed, my shelter

eventually I will get so hungry that I NEED to go out
and then I will do so
but right now my hunger is too small, too weak,
to get me through that wall
so I wait

That was 16 years ago
if you haven’t been there, you might not ever understand


©AngelikaJahn 2013

image:google

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Mental Health Awareness Week

…because I have been there…

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